Memories.............

There are very few things that stick in your mind for a long time, sometimes forever.

The first girl I fell hopelessly in love with, so smitten was I. She had no idea though, I think.

It’s not that I was cowardly as a general principle, she just removed words from my head, it was a clean slate whenever she was around.

I can talk a lot. Those who know me will more than testify to that!

Based on that, being forced into a stammer every time a girl walks past is pretty hard to swallow, more so when she turns and talks to you.

I remember one time I had to close my eyes and only then did a string of barely coherent words make their way via my chords. You see, she had these big eyes, when I say big, I don’t mean enormous. In fact, I’m not sure they were big at all, it’s just that every time she turned to look at me, it’s like she could stare through me. Being made to feel so invisible is a powerful grip on you.

I could say so many things about her, but to be honest, I’d just get lost in my head. Time and space would cease to be and the only matter (mass) would be her. That can’t work, illustrated below.

To say the truth, I believe she knew she had one over me, one time I was walking to mass, and so was she.....................and her friends. I tried to avoid them, I swear I did. But I felt like a comet on a path around our solar system and she was the sun. The laws of physics are absolute and unbreakable. I naturally gravitated towards her....and got burnt.

“Hi, Kip!” She turned and said with that radiating smile, our eyes locked for the briefest of times.

My brain kicked into action, if it was a car, it was a WilliamsFW27 being driven at Monza by Juan Pablo Montoya in the 2004 pre qualifying. In other words, it was really really fast!

So fast in fact, my mouth couldn’t catch up. A...a.....a..........a...............a...................AA!
I turned and walked away leaving the ladies giggling like they was audience to a
Richard Pryor performance. Notice the word ladies, if they were just some chics, I’d have drowned in a sea of laughter!

I don’t know how I managed to, but I did. I turned my head round to catch another glimpse of her, so etiolated by her was I!

As her companions circled in on her, wide eyed and chirping, she was still looking at me, with THE smile.

I now know, I was WHIPPED!

That’s the memory that’ll always stick with me, not the laughable awkwardness of the situations, but being whipped. By her! Been infatuated a few times after her, never whipped.

Haven’t seen her in a while, she left for a foreign land and probably never came back. Not sure I want her to be around as well.

I cut off all contact with her, the fruit I could never have. Sometimes that made me wish I was called Eve instead of Steve.

I’ll stop talking about her now, the feelings deviating from nostalgia.

I was 16 and held on to the belief they’re many fish in the sea.......but people truly beautiful like her are found only in remote, tranquil and fresh, inland lakes.

Since I last wrote, I was cigarette free for four months and then I came back..... with a vengeance by it seemed.

It felt like I was doing it again for the first time in more ways than one, I remember one time I lit up and everything just melded in with the background, I cannot recall what was running through my mind, I just remember the feeling of serenity. Kinda like when people tell me about their grass smoking experiences.

As I sit and write this I come to a realisation that I am a smoker, and will be one for the foreseeable future.

If from the paragraph above you think that I’ve given up the fight, no I haven’t. I’m just accepting that it’s been and is hard giving up this darn habit, for a creature who suffers from OCD, giving up obsessions is hard, giving them up when they’re addictive feels next to impossible.

I will beat this, hopefully sooner rather than later.
Peace.

Will I? Finally?

It's been more than 48 hours since my last cigarette, before all those who know me say 'again' with an inverted exclamation mark, I refer you to the title of this post!
Now I don't know if I've really ceased smoking, I have struggled for seemingly eons to but always seem to wind back to square one! This time, its a little different though, I don't know how to explain it but I'll give it my best shot!
We've all had this one person in our lives about whom your friends say is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, right?
Remember how you could see that they had a point but you never seemed willing to break off the bond?
Finally, you just sit up one day and realises how silly you've been, and silly isn't a strong enough adverb! Then you start questioning your relationship and you find it begs for more questions than answers!
From then on a seed that was planted in your mind, by your loved ones, is watered and starts germinating. Your life changes and it's more clearer what you have to do and you see the next best and logical action is to sever the relationship before you start fearing the reaction!

Well that's what happened, on Friday last week at around 7 pm just before I boarded a matatu town from Chiromo, I had lit a cigarette and was almost half way through when the vehicle arrived. I looked at the thing in-between my fingers for what seemed like minutes but were in reality seconds.
In those seconds that were minutes I sort of heard every voice that urged me to quit over the years that I ignored, I started to feel my brain water ( figuratively speaking, see above) and a thought climbed it's way from the deepest recesses of my mind.
I felt my mouth move and the words that came out were, "Just stop!"
I flicked it away and didn't bother watching it land, I just boarded the matatu and tried my best not to look back or question myself.
Now the reaction.
It'll be a tough road ahead, I've been suffering a headache and my chest is tight and apparently there are more withdrawal symptoms to come.
I hope this time I'm strong enough to fight them, I saw somewhere that to help you beat the a addiction, you find a way to keep your mind occupied, expect to see more posts from me then :)
Before I go, one symptom I'm yet to suffer is crankiness, be warned the next time I meet some of you on the street or at the local, I might be full blown cranky. I ask for your forgiveness in advance.